Dear Son,
Last night you weren’t sleeping again. I sat up, rubbed your back, wondering what was going on in your tiny mind, untainted by words or expectations. I lied down next to you and put my face right in front of yours, looking into your tiny eyes six inches from mine. I asked you what you needed, “don’t you think we should sleep now? Mama needs sleep to, you know”. The room was very dim, just a small nightlight beside the bed casting just enough light so that my eyes, adjusted to the darkness from sleeping, can make you out on the bed, just able to see your pale face clearly. And after I asked you if you thought we should go back to sleep now, nearly begging you to agree with me, your eyes crinkled, glinting at me and your mouth opened wide in a big smile, making me laugh out loud in a way that feels more pure than any laughter I’ve felt since my own childhood. This is the reason I don’t usually mind being so tired. This is the reason the rest of the stresses of life, the rest of the business of summer, the rest of my expectations of motherhood don’t matter. Every day we make our way through together, we get to know each other, as you get to know the world.
You’ll turn a month old day after tomorrow. Part of me looks forward to it. A huge part of me is so excited for the months and years to come, as I get to know who you are, and you get to know me, as we create a rhythm in our lives and get to do more together. I so look forward to when we can talk, and I can hear those thoughts in your head. But another part of me is incredibly aware of how fast the days go by, and how precious the memories of this first month will be. You are small and mighty, as is your influence on my life. In the morning when I come down to meet you and your father after getting ready for whatever the day may bring, sometimes my breath is caught away when I hear you two downstairs. Either your dad is talking to you, or you are fussing at your dad. In the small amount of space that you both hold in this slightly ramshackle house that I now adore for being the place of your birth lies everything in this world that I absolutely need. By the time I get downstairs I am refueled, humbled and maybe sometimes overwhelmed. I love you, and I will live my life in the hope of more midnight smiles.
