effortful sight

Noticing things can be difficult and paying attention can be painful. I don't think we think about that much, which is why those painful things can stay hidden so easily. It is not just that something around us is camaflouged, it's that we put on the camoflauge. So when we open our eyes trying to notice, record, and take in the beauty, we can't help but also notice things we'd prefer be covered up.

I've often heard people encourage gratitude. I've heard people expound on the joy of simple things. I myself try to notice things, think about things which seem invisible in the movement of today's world. Usually these things are undertaken when we want to understand things better, or slow down our lives, or practice everyday acts of kindness or beauty or gratitude. I look at a bottle of cleaner and try to think what's in it, is it bad for me or the environment? Do I need it? Should I pay money for it? Could baking soda do? Who put this liquid in the bottle and how did it get here... to inspire curiousity and the passion for life of a child, if for no other reason. I try to notice little things in winter that still have some color, even if faded or covered up. I try to notice different kinds of snowflakes that fall at such different times of year, and how sometimes they dissapear into the crowd they fall into. I try to notice these things to stay present in my life, to be aware of my surroundings, and to get out of my modern day, quickly formatting, technology driven mind and rhythm every once in a while. But inevitably you'll also notice things you prefer not to, and you have to either shut down your sight again or continue living life half blind, or you can live through the undesirable, notice, feel and survive the copious amounts of bad stuff there is to see, in order to also see the good.

In trying to understand and notice where things come from you may notice that your toilet paper comes from clearcut forests, and a factory where the people and the town around them suffer from the effects of chemicals and fibers in the air. In trying to notice things you'll realize the coffee you drink every morning is picked in a town that can't grow its own food anymore because they've damaged their forests and fields with pesticides needed to grow your coffee beans. In trying to notice things you'll see the beautiful elderly lady reading the newspaper in the library with bright and interested eyes. You see her jean covered legs tucked neatly under the chair and her peachy, leathery hands waving at almost everyone, since she probably knows everyone in town. But you'll also notice the hunch of the shoulders and the sad challenging eyes of the teenager as she's confronted by the librarian for her noisiness. When trying to notice theings you'll not just hear her loud voice, disturbing the peace of the library, but you'll notice it's 4:00 and must not have anywhere better to be, or anything else to do. You'll notice that when she's convinced she has to leave she suddenly looks younger, not so angry and turns around in an almost circle because she doesn't know where to go or what to do, and who hasn't felt that way at some point, and who hasn't gotten angry about it at least once.

Trying to write about a project of mine, trying to write about this story of mine, I think about things and try to notice them. I have to notice things to remember, I have to notice things to really see and not just get a glimpse. For I am really only half living if I don't. Purposely not looking at something is really the same as looking and turning away, the first just saves you the guilt. But not looking at all also saves you from a lot of joy, a lot of humanness and a lot of small moments that in the act of noticing give you still moments and at least a second where you can say I see that, this is where I am and this is who I am.

But there are still times when I am not ready to sit in the stillness long enough to see, to feel, and to know the whole story. So for the past couple weeks I haven't looked at my story, I haven't tried to notice my place. I've needed to not see, so I've kept my myopic sight by joining the rest of our society and just keeping busy.